Charlie Sheen Wants To Advise Lindsay Lohan
When I was a kid, my mom sent me to tennis camp. It was only during the day and even though I loved to play tennis, the coaches were even more suspicious than an opened box of Cheerios sitting among a group of unopened boxes on a shelf at the supermarket. The highlight of my summer was when I got the "Most Improved" plaque, and even though it was a pretty obvious insult, I didn't really care because I thought it meant I was the best tennis player there. Anyway, Charlie Sheen is on the way to being the "Most Improved" player in this tennis game of sobriety! (I got my English degree at the University of Iowa, if you're super impressed with what I did back there.)
Despite the fact Sheen's not in a facility and instead is rehabbing himself from home, it almost appears as though he's making an effort to tell others that drugs are bad and to help them learn what they can do to avoid blowing $30,000 for 36 hours of a hooker's time. Last week, Sheen told the UCLA baseball team that chocolate milk is much more rewarding than crack, and this week, he went on DirectTV's The Dan Patrick Show and said if he was given the opportunity to speak with Lindsay Lohan, he would tell her to "work on your impulse control. Just try and think things through a little bit before you do them."
BHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH! AHAHHA! AH! HAHA! Do we get good luck if we rub his belly too? HAHAHHAH! "My sweet girl, if you wish to mimic my incredibly righteous life and surround yourself with the same high-quality people and the finest home furnishings as I have, you must do as I do, which is control your desires and pause for approximately 7 seconds before you do any action at any time. That has always been the key to my success, which is at quite an immense level right now as I am currently the most paid television actor." Yes, Lindsay would be a fool not to listen to Charlie Sheen, who's done such a great job of controlling his impulses that women are kind enough to text him before they go to the clinic to abort what may or may not be his baby. Lindsay, take some note. Put a saddle on those impulses of yours and you'll be good to go.